BEWARE THE SUPERCRAB

Somewhere out there, probably in a lab, maybe in a shed... possibly even a large and relatively clean barn, scientists - you may call them "mad" but they prefer to be called crazy or INSANE - are striving to create a new arch-nemesis for badgers.

THE SUPERCRAB.

Supercrabs will be at least 1m across on their carapace, wear a lot of gold, spout Mr. T catchphrases when threatened and eat exclusively beer mats.

In the future, these supercrabs could also be used to encourage people in prison to run on giant treadmills to generate electricity by chasing them - SIDEEWAYS.

A long time ago, in a badger far far away

Lightsabres were invented by badgers in the Earth year 8.

This was before cans of Guinness had ringpulls and were actually spheres of titanium.

How did badgers, creatures with no opposable thumbs, use a lightsabre - you ask?

I'd have thought that was obvious, they'd used The MOTHER FUCKING Force... that's not to be confused with the regular The Force. Two totally different things.

Badgers vs. Space Hitler

Hitler came from space... well, I guess so did badgers and well, all of us. What with space being everywhere. A lot like Tesco and Walmart. You think they've only got stores on Earth? WRONGO. Yeah, you go visit Tau Ceti - guess what's there? Tesco Express. Almost as expensive as the one in St. Andrew.

Anyway... Badgers were part of the final push against Hitler - the Soviets shelled Berlin with live badgers. As Hitler ate about 8kg of jam a day, it was assumed they'd find him and destroy him. Unfortunately, they mostly hit decoy jam tankers the Nazis had put around the city.

Still, something for them to tell the kids, eh?

No Holds Badger Hold 'Em

Millions of years ago, when the world was a molten mass... actually, no it was last Tuesday.

Badgers like their poker. In fact, I think you'll find that the dark, smoky and cramped conditions are an exact replica of a badger's set. Badgers use poker to establish their social rankings. That and Guinness.

Badgers being the vicious and often passionate cardsharps that they are. Over a million badgers die in online poker tournaments every year. That's why the US Senate wants a ban on it. That and they've run up a massive tab at partypoker.com

Badgers vs. Stingray

Due to the murder of Steve Irwin by the Earth's most vicious and remorseless killers - Stingrays - badgers have sworn a blood oath TO DESTROY THEM.

Which might prove difficult given the fact badgers don't live in the water.

Maybe they'll just throw dynamite off a boat or something.