Upon The Badger And The Planetary Accretion Disk

Naturally, the world was some billions of years ago just a bunch of rocks in a ring surrounding the newly formed sun.

What most people don't know - and Creationists don't much care to acknowledge, thinking that some beardy guy did it all in 6 days a few thousand years ago - is that this planetary accretion disk was full of proto-badgers. Naturally, anyone that has ever been to space will know it's chillier than a witches teat.

As I've mentioned before - badgers need some warmth to become active. So it wasn't until the Earth was a molten mass that they could come alive. That's when they build Pangea, the Great Wall of China, the Pyramids of Giza and Milton Keynes.

The Great Badger Famine Of 1789

As we all know, Guinness is pretty much mud and alcohol - that's why badgers love it, it's a welcome break from their usual food stuffs of bacon, egg and chips (generally pilfered from Tesco or farms). Anyway, an inherent component of Guinness is potatoes - well, probably - and of course, periodically, badgers get very thirsty.

Go to Ireland, eating all the potatoes in the vain hope that they would ferment in their stomachs to form Guinness. Sad, really.

Badgers On Public Transport

A lot has been made in recent days of serpents on airliners.

Naturally, badgers don't travel well - they're full of volatile gases that can ignite at altitude.

Much more for boats... and of course, boats are the last place you'd find time-traveling jam sandwiches. Poland, on the other hand will be full of them in a few years time and what with most of Poland being in Britain to plumb, it's rife for the taking.

A Badger's Worst Nightmare

I think that a badger's worst nightmare would probably be something along the lines of a time traveling jam sandwich - possibly with some basic knowledge of HTML running an internet website.

Badger Star Galactica

Da-da-da-da-dadadada!

Badgers down here, began out there. There's a lot of compelling evidence to suggest that badgers aren't actually native to this planet at all but rather came from another place entirely outside of normal space-time. Possibly Slough... or the Midwest.

Anyway - there really aren't any other animals that are black are white, are there? Except zebras... or a few types of fish... and bird... and dogs... and cats. Oh and insects, there are lots of insects that are black and white.

Other than those isolated examples, they're pretty much alone in their black and whiteness. A lot of people think they're from Mars but personally, I'm thinking maybe Io or Walmart. Maybe someone went down to Walmart 62,000,000,000 years ago and bought themselves a whole new species.

It would explain why badgers are all so old and why they've evolved to be the perfect badgers.

I'm Not Dead

Well, I was for a while but I got better. Funny story, really.

I got covered in napalm and died a horrible fiery death. Fortunately, badgers - much like Jesus - can raise the dead.

Just call me Lazarus.

The badgers all got extra Guinness for their troubles.

Badger Milk

A lot of people ask "What kind of cow molesting monster came up of the idea of sucking on bovine udder-tits?" Well, the answer is obvious - the badgers did.