Take Wings Badger... And FLY!

We're still working on the flying badgers. We thought that maybe we could model them after the flying monkies from the Wizard of Oz. Sadly, it turned out that those flying mammals happened to be subject to some particularly stringent copyright laws. Fortunately, BREASTS laugh in the face of copyright and intellectual property so we just plain up stole 'em.

It turned out that the flying monkies were just props though - so, not quite the massive breakthrough we were hoping to make. Which was annoying, we spent a whole day gluing little wings on them and making those red little waistcoats.

After that failed, we tried gluing a pigeon onto a badger. Well, let's just say it's as well there aren't any animal welfare people supervising our illegal experiments. Actually were - but we murdered them in cold blood, you wouldn't believe how annoying mullets can be and they distract badgers no end. Fortunately, the badgers scarfed down the corpses.

Anyway, after the pigeon debacle we found that badgers can be easily filled with hydrogen or helium. Kind of makes them look like balloons.

Wreak Havoc And Let Slip The Badgers Of War

It's a well known fact that Shakespeare originally wrote "Wreak havoc and let slip the badgers of war." Of course, political climates being what they are, this was changed when badgers fell out of favour in the royal court when one of them ate the king's supper and mead.

Which is sad, I think badgers and Shakespeare just go hand-in-hand. So do they, just the other day the badgers in lab one were putting on a rendition of "the scottish play" (badgers also consider it to be bad luck to say Macbeth... probably because he was a well known badger hater and slaughtered at least thirty seven in one night when in a murderous rage).

In fact, in that play "When shall we three meet again." Was originally to be. "When shall we three kill badgers again." Coincedence? I think not.

Anyway, why they were doing the play is beyond me but they did it pretty well. Alhough badgers don't really act, they'll just do things. Murders in badger plays are all real. Which is sad, badgers are rather theatrical... it just happens that their theatrics result in massive casualties.

Is That So?

The Badger response to "ORLY".

Vicious, eh?

Medieval Monday

The badgers loved that one. It put them in a good mood for the entire day... although, naturally they attacked the picture to destroy the picture of the mac.

Things were pretty quiet otherwise.

Oh yeah - it seems that the badgers have taken a dislike to owls because of that whole "ORLY" thing.

They weren't happy about that. I was attacked by one when I said "ORLY". Fortunately I was saved by my chainmail t-shirt. It was medieval Monday, thank goodness for that.

Badger Macs

What do badgers hate? Well, we've had a fair bit on that but Apple Macs - those send them into a killing frenzy. They'll bash themselves against them until they're destroyed. That might seem strange but it's fairly normal throughout nature. In fact, Apple Macs are outlawed in most of Africa because most animals - especially rhinos and badgers DESTROY THEM.

Who can blame them?

Anyway, today we were doing some tests on the average badgers ability with a computer and some idiot had left a Mac in the lab. The badger literally consumed it in seconds. No great loss. Who likes Macs?

The Real Name Of Caesar's Killer?

LLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYY! Badger.

Yup - that was the name of the person that killed Caesar. Ironically - with a badger. Of course, they weren't actually called badgers at that time it was only with Caesar's dying words, "Et tu badger." That the badger gained its modern name. Before they were called soebhxo, naturally - that name has been lost to the ages.

A shame really, I feel the modern day badger would feel proud at bringing down the greatest Empire in the world. It's generally accepted that they Caesar was stabbed with a badger... sad that such a gentle beast could be used so brutally.

That couldn't happen at BREASTS - we make sure all our badgers are very blunt.

Not like James Blunt - man, you think the badgers hate Sting? Don't even think about how much they hate that fucking cunt... makes them pretty much like the average person really. One day he'll come to BREASTS... diabolical.

Not a court in the land would convict those badgers.

Bagdergedon

Chernobyl? That wasn't the Commies, that was badgers.

Well, actually. As with all things badger - it's more complicated than that. Soviet badger technicians recognised that uranium type badgers put in a lead lined kettle could be used to heat water to boiling point much more easily than your average uranium rods. Naturally, being Soviets they didn't tell anyone working there and they pushed those badgers hard.

And over-excited uranium badgers moved toward the centre of the reactor, where they reached critical mass and exploded with a force of seven kilo-badgers. This is why uranium badgers are generally solitary beasts... in fact, between larger uranium badgers even the act of mating can be wrought with fissionable dangers.

This is actually the reason the Confederacy lost the American Civil war. Badger mating season near several of their army camps, causing thousands of deaths and countless papercuts.

Tune in tomorrow to learn how badgers led to the death of Julius Caesar.

The Badgers' Greatest Foe

It's a well known fact that the badgers' natural enemy is the scientologist.

The precise reason for this is shrouded in myth and goes back to the beginning of time, at some point during the 1950s when L. Ron Hubbard was viciously savaged by a herd of flying badgers off the coast of California. Ever since then, all Scientologists have shunned badgers at every oppurtunity.

The total absence of badgers in the films of many of the Scientologist actors is surely proof of their disdain. Can you think of any badgers in any of the films of Tom Cruise, John Travolta or other famous

Of course, I mention this because Wednesday is movie night for the badgers. It's a shame really, if they could get past the instinctive drive to viciously destroy any likeness of a Scientologist - they'd probably quite enjoy Top Gun, if only because they find homosexuality in the armed forces funny and baffling.

Badgers - much like sock puppets - don't really have a gender, so homosexuality in their armed forces is a non-issue. In any event, it's strange badgers can intuitively tell if someone is a Scientologist or not. We're currently trying to create badgers that can sniff out and eliminate awful Canadian singers and their fans. Celine Dion being the obvious target.

Jam And Lab Notes Ne'er Mix

During the 1980s, there was a children's TV show called "Super Badger". This was in fact a way of covering up research into Super Badgers. Sadly, all the results were lost because they were written in jam, put in a sandwich and eaten.

Live and learn, eh? Today I was down in the aquatic badger lab. They can vary in size between regular badger size and killer whales - which are black and white too! That's no coincedence. Or it could be, the research on that was written on jam too... The aquatic badger is quite gentle and graceful, swimming as it does.

Except when someone plays Sting - that gets them angried up. BREASTS is a strictly Sting free zone. Which is sad, I enjoyed a good bit of Desert Rose in the afternoon. Sadly, last time I did that - several badgers beached themselves. Strangely, they love Phil Collins. Mostly his solo work - many of them hum Sussidio as part of their mating rituals.

Aquatic badgers mating is possibly one of the most disturbing sights you can possibly imagine... picture two submerged black and white minivans rubbing against each other and emitting a whaleish rendition of the American Psycho soundtrack.

Put me right off my jam sandwich - which is lucky, turns out that those were my lab notes for the day.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Badger Sober

I had a close encounter of the badger kind last night.

I was just doing my evening rounds when several badgers leapt out of their enclosures and went straight for my throat. It's a well known fact that badgers are capable of launching themselves upto three metres in the air and have teeth that are capable of literally shredding corrugated carboard.

Fortunately, I was wearing a poloneck and was able to soothe them into a mild trance like state by humming the Dr. Who theme tune and then reciting the first thirty-seven elements of the period table (badgers also find the Lanthanides very relaxing). Naturally, I was surprised that the badgers had attacked me... and that we had such ridiculously lax security for the badgers.

Polonecks can save lives though.

Anyway, I later discovered there had been a hold up in the daily Guinness tanker. So those were some badgers angrily sober badgers. You can't blame them for lashing out. Fortunately, the Guiness arrived not long after that and so all the badgers were happily drunk again by tea-time. Over eighteen lab assistants were brutally mauled to death in the interim though.

Still, live and learn... well, unless you're mauled to death by an angry badger. Not much learning to do when you're dead.

Badger Response

I received this e-mail regarding my post yesterday:

Wonder if the chaps at BREAST can put me out of my misery regarding several badger related issues...

Why do badgers only come out at night? is it maybe because the sun would cause them to 'over ripen' and revert them back to their natural rocklike state?

Why are they black and white? is it because they were discovered before colour television was invented?

Why are terriors so good at finding badgeranium deposits? are there easier and cheaper ways to find it?

I found This football related badger link and wonder where they get their skills from?

Google also provided This extremely disturbing article that appears to indicate how St Johns Ambulance are turning our children into Badgers. I am horrified that this can go on in a so called developed country.

Ok... let me answer these.

1. It's a common misconception that badgers are nocturnal. It's just that when they're out during the daytime, they're disguised as small rocks and bushes. Badgers don't generally revert to their natural rock like state unless subjected to loud Sting or Phil Collins albums.

2. Badgers are in fact orange and pink but because they travel backwards in time, they appear monochromatic. That and their high Guinness content.

3. It's a well known fact that badgers are naturally drawn to jam. I assume "terriors" are high in jam content.

4. These footballing badgers were clearly part of Sven's plan for the World Cup, where badgerised clones of football stars on the England squad were created. 18 Rooney badgers were created and subsequently used to repair Rooney's foot - thus explaining his sudden recovery.

5. Clearly these children are part of the growing "cult of the badger". The only danger is that a real badger might see these children posturing AND DESTROY THEM.

It's a little know fact that badgers - of all varities - are prone to fits of rage. This is generally because they're alcoholic and tend to sustain themselves by drinking Guinness, which sends them into fits of rage. This also tends to make them highly flammable - explaining the badgers legendary fear of fire and petrol stations.

Anyway, I've got to go and check the badger stables now - we keep the badgers in stables with nosebags full of Guinness. They get angry if they don't have plenty of beer.... of course, they get angry if they do.

And So It Begins

Today I started my new job at the Badger Research Exploitation And Science Technology Stations - BREASTS for short.

I have been assigned to the proto-Badger research laboratory. It's a common misconception that badgers are mammals. They are in fact sentinent rock formations, hacked from the ground in the hinterlands of what you humans know as "Wales". After a few years, in the right conditions - or a microwave... even on a very hot radiator if you're hard pressed - these blocks of badgeranium will "thaw" and become proto badgers, which can then be moulded into one of the various badger types.

Hence, there are no such thing as baby badgers. Those are merely parasitic sock puppets.

We don't know where they come from, we've got the boys in BREASTS tech working on it.

Anyway, I need to stick some more badgeranium in the microwave.